Can
I just say, marriage is hard sometimes?
They tell you before you get married that “it takes work”, but really
“it takes work” comes nowhere close to expressing the truth of how hard it is
to share your life with someone who loves differently, believes differently,
prioritizes differently, spends differently, and thinks differently than you.
And “it takes work” will never be able to encompass the challenges of loving
through miscarriages, foreclosures, bankruptcy, in-laws moving in, job changes,
cancer, parenting, and even just every day misunderstandings and
miscommunications. Marriage is hard and
demands a lot.
I’m
not trying to discourage you who are engaged, but I am trying to state the
facts that marriage can be really tough. It requires 100% commitment and effort
from both people. Some say it’s 50/50,
but really it’s 100/100—each person has to give of themselves to make the
marriage work. And when you’re giving it
all to grow in love—you really have to give it ALL—you’ve gotta give your best
to be your best.
Think
of it this way—say you’re drafted and sign with the Denver Broncos. What’s your responsibility?
·
Get to know the team
·
Learn the plays
·
Practice with the team
·
Train for strength and endurance
·
Push through adversity
·
Celebrate the victories with the team
If
you want to be any good, you have to put in a lot of work with your team. But what if you didn’t show up to the Denver
practices. Or maybe you just kind of faked your way through it but never really
learned the plays and hardly learned what would work well with your team
mates? Instead you decided to start
practicing with the New York Jets. You
learn their plays and hang out with those guys, despite the fact that you’re in
a lifetime contract with the broncos.
How well would you play with the Broncos if all your time was with the
Jets? Not well. If you don’t invest in a team, then you can’t
expect to succeed with the team.
Marriage
is like that. If you sign on with your partner—you can’t go and spend your time
and energy with someone else. It may
sound like a good idea, especially if things are rocky, but at the end of the
day, your team isn’t stronger. You need your head in the game. You need to be
all in. You can’t split your allegiances and still expect to succeed.
God knows the power of the covenant of marriage. God
knows what it is to be loved for all your strengths and all your failures. God knows what it is to be accepted and heard
and valued when everything is going your way and when nothing is. Marriage is meant to offer us that deep love
and acceptance. But a depth of trust and intimacy don’t just happen by luck,
they take work and intentional effort. And so you’ve got to be all-in.
Now, just like any good team, even with the right
players, and regular practice, and strength and endurance training, and good
communication, some plays won’t work, some days you’ll lose. But you don’t quit the team just because it
was hard or just because you lost one game, or even one season. If you signed on, then you continue to give your
best to strengthen the team.
Now remember what I said in the beginning? Marriage is hard. Some seasons hit hard. Some years feel like all you’ve done is
lose. BUT, marriage is also rich with
blessings. The hugs, the listening ear, the
companionship, the intimacy, the trust, the adventures, those are the
wins. That’s what make it worth all the
effort and sacrifice. And to know the
fullness of what that commitment can offer you have to give it your all, and
give it your best. We won’t know how amazing
marriage can be if we are always considering what it would be like to be on a
different team.
God wants you to play for the team
to which you signed.
To be sure, the 6th-10th
commandments are pretty straightforward.
It hardly seems like they warrant explanation, but there’s always more
than just understanding the letter of the law.
And there’s the fact that we struggle to uphold the laws in their
entirety, regardless of how well we might know them. Commandment #8 says, “thou
shalt not steal”. We get that. No one should take something that doesn’t
belong to them. If I tell you not to steal,
you know what that means. We can readily
define what is ours and what is someone else’s and know that we shouldn’t just take
that which doesn’t belong to us. But why
not? Scripturally, we understand it’s
because God has made enough for all of us—God’s provision is abundant. And if
we understand and live within that, then there’s no need to steal. To live by God’s law is to allow for God’s
provision to provide for all as God planned.
We are invited to believe that playing fair is sufficient and worthwhile
because winning isn’t about having more than everyone else. Winning for God is about being the best of
who we are created to be.
Now
that might sound “soft” and like an “everybody wins” mentality. But it’s not about giving everyone a trophy
regardless of performance; it’s about ensuring a fair game. Think of it this way—this last week the New
England Patriots won the AFC championship game—but then a couple of days later,
the news broke that Tom Brady, their quarterback, had played with deflated
footballs. There’s some question about
who deflated the balls. Was it
Brady? A coach? The equipment manager?
Someone on the sidelines? I’m not here
to solve the mystery, but instead to point out that regardless of who did
it—deflating the balls stole the opportunity for a fair game.
Is
it possible that the patriots still would have won, even with the balls fully
inflated? Sure. But that’s not the
point. The point is we don’t know who
would have won if it was a fair game. It could have been the patriots. But it’s
possible it would have been the colts.
It’s great to win, but if you win you want to know you did it—that you
gave your best and played well and the best team won. Similarly, a loss is a loss—it’s not what any
team wants, but a loss is tolerable if you know the other team brought their A
game and played a better ball game. But you don’t want to lose because a ref
threw the game or because some guy deflated the football. We all want to win, but we know that can’t
happen 100% of the time. Losing
happens. Most of us can accept that. But what we can’t accept is not being given
the chance, a fair chance, to show our stuff and prove we were the better
player or team.
To
live with the satisfaction that what God has provided is enough is to take our
share, and use it, to play a fair game, and trust that the highs and lows that
will result will pan out in the end. But
your chance to succeed, to be your best, is stolen when someone else rigs the
game. No one wants to play the team that
cheats. No one wants to play in the arena where the refs always call for the
home team. Why bring our best if we
aren’t given a fair chance in the first place?
So
how does all of that relate to the 8th commandment? How does cheating in a game relate to everyday
life? Well, in how God designed life,
everyone has a chance, everyone has gifts and talents to use, and everyone
should be given the chance, a fair chance, to be their best. But institutionally and systemically, we have
rigged the game. Now, not necessarily us
personally and individually, but companies, governments, and some groups have
stolen the opportunity for everyone to play a fair game. Now some of those structures and injustices
have been around a long time. It’s hard
to undo systemic injustice. But if we
want to have an honest conversation about playing fair and providing an
opportunity for everyone to live into the world God designed, then we have to
acknowledge that for a lot of folks, the game is rigged. If they don’t have clean water, or enough
food, or access to education, then how can we expect them to bring their A
game? We’ve been taught to absolve
ourselves of responsibility for them. We
are responsible for us and they are responsible for them. But, as Christians, we are called to see the
world not just for what it is, but for what God wants it to be, and that means
everyone should have a fair chance. And
a fair chance includes access to the necessities of everyday living. You wouldn’t expect a fair game if one team
had all the best pads, shoes, and equipment, while the other team played
barefoot, with cardboard pads, and equipment that’s falling apart. Each team may be coming with what they have,
but really, it’s not a fair game. We can
see that. So, how can we think that a
fair chance is offered when they have to walk a mile to get a few gallons of
river water, while we have purified water anywhere anytime. The game has been rigged around the
world. And part of our responsibility is
making sure we play fair and that our brothers and sisters around the world
have a fair chance to become their best.
That means we invest in wells for clean water, schools for education,
and food for their tables. And it means we look at the systems that promote and
protect inequality and injustice and work against it.
As
a church, we’ve worked hard to help create opportunities and chances for people
to be their best. We have given nearly
$200,000 through our Christmas Miracle offering over the years, and more
throughout the year, to create a fair chance for people to have employment,
education, housing, and basic necessities.
As a denomination, we have given millions of dollars to fight malaria in
Africa so people have a chance at a healthy life. United Methodists have built schools, hospitals,
shelters, clinics, and churches to help level the field, providing for the everyday
needs of brothers and sisters around the world. We have truly been about God’s work. And at the same time, we know that we enjoy more
riches in one year than most will enjoy in a lifetime. The game is getting better, but it’s still not
fully fair.